Embracing The Sacred Masculine: Three cases of Nicotiana rustica
Embracing The Sacred Masculine:
Three cases of Nicotiana rustica
By Declan Hammond
SUMMARY: The development of conventional male role models, associated with the suppression of feelings and a tendency to aggression and violence, is illustrated with three case histories. The patients are suffering from anxiety, depression or addiction and they report their experience of violence, shame, guilt, self-hate and fear of failure. During treatment with potentised tobacco, they go through painful proces-ses of recognition, often with lucid dreams that help them develop a more mature self-consciousness with ncreased softness and closeness. A central role in this process is played by empathic support. The author provides valuable information on this.
KEYWORDS: addiction, ADHD, aggression, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, fear of failure, masculinity, masturbation, Nicotiana rustica, porn addiction, sexual abuse, Syphilinum
Some Facts About Men:
Men, on average, live for six years less than women do. They also have higher death rates in every age category, 'from womb to tomb’
Men routinely fail at close relationships. (Just two indicators: over 40 percent of marriages break down, and divorces are initiated by the woman in four out of five cases)
Over 90 percent of acts of violence are carried out by men, and 70 percent of the victims are men
In school, around 90 percent of children with behaviour problems are boys, and over 85 percent of children with learning problems are also boys
Young men (aged from fifteen to 25) have three times the death rate of young women, and these deaths are all from preventable causes - motor-vehicle accidents being the greatest
Men make up 80 percent of the homeless
Men comprise over 90 percent of prison populations
The leading cause of death among men between fifteen and 44 is self-inflicted death. Men and boys commit suicide four times more frequently than girls and women.
Just being male is the biggest risk factor of all.
- The New Manhood: Steve Biddulph
As a man, father and homeopath, treating mainly male patients, these facts and statistics have long been a major source of concern for me. How did we get here? How can we respond to these shocking facts? And how can we best support the men and boys in our practices and families to live healthier and more fulfilling lives?
The three most destructive words that every man
receives when he’s a boy is when he’s told to 'be a man,'
—Joe Ehrmann, coach and former NFL player
From the above, it is clear that modern masculinity is killing men. While current social constructs of femininity place many demands and restrictions on women, the social constructs of masculinity restrict men enormously, demanding that they constantly have to prove and reprove the fact that they are men.
Both of these social constructs are poisonous and potentially destructive but statistically speaking, the number of addicted and afflicted men and their comparatively shorter lifespans proves that the currently accepted version of masculinity is by far the more effective killer. Even when it does not literally kill, it causes a sort of spiritual death, leaving many men traumatised, dissociated and often unknowingly depressed. And for many men, the process begins long before manhood.
The emotionally damaging “masculinisation” of boys starts even before boyhood, in infancy. Psychologist Terry Real, in his 1998 book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, highlights numerous studies which find that parents often unconsciously begin projecting a kind of innate “manliness” - and thus, a diminished need for comfort, protection and affection - onto baby boys as young as newborns.
This is, in spite of the fact that gendered behaviours are absent in babies. As Real explains, “little boys and little girls start off... equally emotional, expressive, and dependent, equally desirous of physical affection. At the youngest ages, both boys and girls are more like a stereotypical girl. If any differences exist, little boys are, in fact, slightly more sensitive and expressive than little girls. They cry more easily, seem more easily frustrated, appear more upset when a caregiver leaves the room.”
Yet both mothers and fathers imagine inherent sex-related differences between baby girls and boys. Even when researchers controlled for babies’ “weight, length, alertness, and strength,” parents overwhelmingly reported that baby girls were more delicate and “softer” than baby boys; they imagined baby boys to be bigger and generally “stronger.” When a group of 204 adults was shown a video of the same baby crying and given differing information about the baby’s sex, they judged the “female” baby to be scared, while the “male” baby was described as “angry.”
These differences in perception create corresponding differences in the kind of parental caregiving newborn boys receive. In the words of the researchers themselves, “it would seem reasonable to assume that a child who is thought to be afraid is held and cuddled more than a child who is thought to be angry.” That theory is bolstered by other studies Real cites, which consistently find that “from the moment of birth, boys are spoken to less than girls, comforted less, nurtured less.”
This is a pattern that continues throughout childhood and into adolescence. Real quotes a study that found both mothers and fathers emphasised “achievement and competition in their sons,” and taught them to “control their emotions”—to ignore or suppress their emotional needs. Similarly, parents of both sexes are more punitive toward their sons.” Beverly I. Fagot, the late researcher and author of “The Influence of Sex of Child on Parental Reactions to Toddler Children”, found that parents gave positive reinforcement to all children when they exhibited “same-sex preferred” behaviours (as opposed to “cross-sex preferred”). Parents who said they “accepted sex equity” nonetheless offered more positive responses to little boys when they played with blocks, and offered negative feedback to girls when they engaged in sporty behaviour. And while independent play away from parents—and “independent accomplishments” were encouraged in boys, girls received more positive feedback when they asked for help.
Lessons like these impart deeply damaging messages to both girls and boys, and have lifelong and observable consequences. But whereas, as Terry Real says, “girls are allowed to maintain emotional expressiveness and cultivate connection, boys are not only told they should suppress their emotions, but that their manliness essentially depends on them doing so.”
Real’s research suggests that little boys internalise this concept early and begin to hide their feelings from as young as 3 to 5 years old. “It doesn't mean that they have fewer emotions. But they're already learning the game - that it's not a good idea to express them,” Real says.
“There is growing evidence that in constructing,
displaying and maintaining their male identity, men
engage in risk behaviours that can be seriously hazardous
to their health. Since sickness may be seen as an expression
of weakness, many men may decide not to seek help and
instead, present a stoical, brave and unflinching front
to the outside world.”
- Men’s Health Forum 2007-
We are also bombarded with images and messages about masculinity presented in our media. TV shows, video games, movies and comic books inform children, not so much about who men (and women) are, but who they should be. While much of the research about gender depictions in media has come from feminists deconstructing the endless damaging representations of women, there’s been far less research specifically about media-perpetuated constructions of masculinity and the inherent pressure to conform to these.
The most common images of men in the media include:
The Joker
The Jock/sports Hero
The Strong Silent Type
The Big Shot
The Action Hero
The “geek”
The Buffoon (who somehow always gets the girl)
In a time when a U.S. presidential candidate can boast about his “pussy-grabbing” and when elected boasts about the size of his penis and the “big” nuclear button he controls, the U.S. National Coalition on Television Violence study found that, the average 18-year-old American males will have already witnessed some 26,000 murders on television, “almost all of them committed by men.” Combine this with all the violence shown in film, video games and other media, and the numbers are likely huge.
The result of all this is that boys are effectively cut off from their feelings and emotions, their deepest and most vulnerable selves, with little sense of consequence for their actions. It also leaves little boys and later, men, emotionally disembodied, afraid to show weakness and often unable to fully access, recognise or cope with their feelings.
Add to this the biological imperative of a massive 800X increase of the male hormone Testosterone at puberty and we have a potential time-bomb ready to explode into manhood.
This energy urgently needs to be harnessed and focused but unfortunately this rarely happens in our culture. In traditional indigenous cultures this would be the time for a boy’s initiation into manhood by the community’s male elders, teaching him how to be a man in the world. In our culture’s absence of this, we have, in the words of African elder and teacher Malidoma Somé, “a dangerous population of boys in adult bodies.”
The Role of Shame
In his book, “Why Men Can’t Feel” Marvin Allen writes, “These messages encourage boys to be competitive, focus on external success, rely on their intellect, withstand physical pain, and repress their vulnerable emotions. When boys violate the code, it is not uncommon for them to be teased, shamed, or ridiculed.”
Best selling author and researcher Brené Brown also discovered in the course of her research is that, contrary to her early assumptions, men's shame is not primarily inflicted by other men. Instead, it is the women in their lives who tend to be repelled when men show the chinks in their armour.
"Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart - and it's healthy," Brown said. "But guys are not allowed to fall apart." Ironically, she explained, “men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticised for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, they are met with revulsion.”
That trauma makes itself plain in the ways men attempt to sublimate feelings of emotional need and vulnerability. While women tend to internalise pain, men instead act it out, against themselves and others. According to Real, women “blame themselves, they feel bad, they know they feel bad, they'd like to get out of it. Boys and men tend to externalise stress. We act it out and often don't see our part in it. It’s the opposite of self-blame; it's more like feeling like an angry victim.” The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that across race and ethnicity, women are twice as likely to experience depression as men. But Real believes men’s acting-out behaviours primarily serve to mask their depression, which goes largely unrecognised and undiagnosed. “A depressed woman’s internalisation of pain weakens her and hampers her capacity for direct communication. A depressed man’s tendency to extrude pain...may render him psychologically dangerous.”
James Gilligan, former director of the Center for the Study of Violence at Harvard Medical School, has written numerous books on the subject of male violence and its source. In a 2013 interview with MenAlive, a men’s health blog, Gilligan spoke of his study findings, stating, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo that ‘loss of face’ - no matter how severe the punishment, even if it includes death.”
It is worth noting that typically men who are shamed live in a horribly conflicted world, hiding their shame because admitting it will reveal the pain that they have something to be ashamed about. These men will often brag or present with bravado, putting up a huge defensive wall.
The following cases from my practice illustrate the kind of challenges that men face on their journey towards healing; offering some case management suggestions and introducing a novel remedy that I have found invaluable in supporting my patients.
Case 1: Chris* - 43 years
“I’m in crisis, the wheels have come off my wagon. My life has turned to shit. I have tried to be the man that everyone wanted me to be, the nice, caring friend and colleague, the loving father and husband. My mask has slipped. I’m terrified that people will finally see the real person I am.”
“I struggle to get up in the morning. I guess I’m depressed. I feel numb, disconnected, beside myself, as if I’m outside of my body.”
“I keep having blackouts, one minute I’m doing something, talking to somebody; the next minute I’m gone. It’s like I go into a trance. When I ‘come back’ I‘m soaked in sweat and icy cold. It’s terrifying for me. And extremely worrying for my wife.”
“I’m sick with anxiety about all of this.” Chris has always suffered from anxiety but now it’s “off the charts”.
He always felt he had to prove himself; he was never good enough at school or sports; not clever enough to go to university. He always felt he was the naughty kid, doing and saying the wrong thing. He felt that he was such a disappointment to his parents. He always felt people were secretly laughing at him. He became the joker, “the life and soul of the party”. but inside he always felt like a fraud. “I’ve lied to myself and everyone else all my life about who and what I really was. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t know who I am any more.
Recently his marriage has hit a crisis point after he revealed to his wife that while seeking some desperately needed validation outside his marriage, he had a number of short sexual affairs with other women. She was devastated by his admission and he is “literally sickened with guilt and shame.”
“I feel actively suicidal. But I could never admit this to my family - it’s such a shameful thing to feel. I’m terrified that when I’m ‘out of it’ I might do something stupid.
“My nights are full of terror, I’m haunted by all the terrible things I’ve done.”
I prescribed Nicotiana rustica in ascending LM potencies for Chris.
In the first follow-up session he reported a number of ‘lucid’ dreams where he met his dead father. At first he felt ashamed, ashamed of what he had become, ashamed that he had let his father down so badly. His father responded in a loving way, calling him
“Christopher”, telling him that he was loved, and that he always was, and that he always would be.
He became “Christopher” in the consultation room from then on. Every time he was addressed thus, he sat straighter, spoke stronger. His full name became an invitation to meet a more powerful version of himself. He began to repeat it to himself in times of stress as a kind of mantra, to summon up his inner strength, “the fire in my belly,” as he called it.
Over a period of twelve months Christopher went through a number of challenging “initiations”. He also had to face and humbly apologise for the hurt he caused his wife and the women he had affairs with. He realised that the shame he had carried from childhood had caused him to “act out” against the women in his life. And he needed to make amends.
He remembered that In his kindergarten and primary school years, all his teachers were women. He was constantly criticised for being “too much”: “too active”, “too noisy”, "too restless”, “too slow”. He was constantly compared negatively to the girls in his class.
He realised how much hurt, humiliation and shame that he had felt then; how he had turned this into self-hatred and that he had carried all these feelings into his romantic and sexual relationships with girls and women. He slowly also realised that he had been unconsciously trying to hurt his partners as a kind of revenge for how he had been treated.
This was a deeply humiliating and shameful realization for him and it took a number of sessions before Christopher was able to allow himself to feel all his emotions - his anger, grief, rage, humiliation, sorrow.
“Realising how I had been living, what I had done to the women who loved me, almost broke me completely. If it hadn’t been for the support of the remedy and the calm, uncritical presence and support of my homeopath, I don’t think I could have survived.”
“I tried many times to numb these painful feelings by going drinking, binge Netflix watching, smoking cannabis. But there was no escape. Every time I took a dose of my remedy, I could feel those feelings again in my belly. Little by little I was able to breathe deeper into the pain. As my belly softened, I found myself softening; I began to be more compassionate, gentler with myself. The old stories started to become less and less important and I felt much more present in my life.”
“My wife tells me that she feels that she finally has a husband, somebody who is real with her and actively involved in being a father for our two children. Trust between us is still an issue, my betrayal hurt her deeply. But I know the damage I have done and that I have been able to apologise and man up about it. My life is stable now; anxiety and shame are no longer ruling my life. I feel like I have finally become an adult; able to show up for my wife and family; but especially for myself!”
Helping Men to heal Shame
The overarching message that men receive is that any weakness is shameful
Since vulnerability is often perceived as weakness, it is especially risky for men to practice vulnerability
The antidote to shame is vulnerability
Recognise and acknowledge shame: the first step in healing shame is to become aware of it
Start by identifying what triggers their shame and the thoughts and beliefs that fuel it
Shame is a universal emotion; it's okay to feel it
Practice self-compassion: learn to treat themselves with kindness, understanding, and self-love, even in the face of shame
Challenge limiting beliefs: examine the beliefs that fuel their shame and question their validity. Often, these are based on outdated societal expectations or personal experiences that no longer serve them
Cultivate self-awareness: increase their self-awareness by exploring their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours
Reach out, ask for help
Set boundaries; don’t take on work or responsibilities that you don’t want to do or haven’t the resources for
Apologise, “own it” when you are wrong
Connect with other men: find support and community by connecting with other men who are also on a journey of healing and growth
Case 2: John* - 38 years
John presents with a “serious alcohol addiction”. He regularly goes on drinking binges that can last 5/6 days. Previously he had a wide range of substance abuse, starting in childhood with sniffing solvents, cannabis and amphetamine use in his teenage years and cocaine and alcohol as an adult.
He grew up in a large family, with an alcoholic, violent father. His earliest memories were of being beaten and told that he was “good for nothing”. School days were a blur of teasing and shame. A very physically active boy, his teachers constantly told him that he was “too much”, “too boisterous”, “too noisy”. He was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) when he was 8, was prescribed Ritalin and had to attend regular support classes after school. He was constantly teased about this at home and at school.
“I grew a thick shell; I was determined that nobody would get to me, would hurt me. I became withdrawn at home and aggressive outside, frequently getting into fights. Sniffing solvents became a release for me, drugs became my refuge.”
“My teenage and adult relationships were all about me. I was in control, wouldn’t let anybody get close. Nobody was going to hurt me. They were stormy times with a lot of fights, girlfriends in tears and lots of painful breakups. I wasn’t able to talk about any of this, just got out of it on drink and drugs and stumbled on to the next relationship.”
Now married with 3 young children, he decided to reach out to me for help after seeing how upset his eldest son was after a recent binge. “I realised with a shock that it wasn’t all about me, that I was becoming my father, an angry, broken shell of a man. Something had to change. I couldn’t let this cycle continue to the next generation.”
He described the deep feelings of shame and worthlessness that he felt after each drinking binge. My anger would often spill out into violence, bar fights while drinking and smashed furniture and crockery at home. “Everybody was afraid of me; I was afraid of me.”
I prescribed Syphilinum LM potencies for the first three months of our work together. He described a “new softness” in his belly and in his relations with his wife and family. He was drinking much less and after the three months there were no more binges; he felt much calmer. At this point however, he found himself regularly feeling nauseous, sick and felt there was “something sickening, shameful” inside his belly that he needed to confront.
I encouraged him to connect with this, to breathe into it and allow himself to feel this feeling. He felt a numbness there; it evoked extreme anxiety and a nausea that left him feeling faint, fearful that he would pass out, lose consciousness.
I then prescribed Nicotiana rustica in ascending LM potencies.
John then started having vivid dreams of his father and the early violence he suffered at his hands. These were horrifying at first but then became ‘lucid’ dreams where he was conscious while dreaming. He found that he could choose to fight his father back and was able to experience a new sense of power and authority in that relationship.
As the months went on he noticed a softening towards his father and reached out to contact him. He had broken with him on his 18th birthday in a rage and swore to never contact him again. His father was deeply grateful for the reunion . He had given up drinking himself and was a changed man. Father and son have since healed their relationship, become friends and are a great and sober source of support for each other and their family.
From John, after 14 months treatment:
“I worked with Declan for just over a year, he was a phenomenal source of support, inspiration and guidance.We bounced a lot of stuff off each other and I can safely say he has put his hand out to me and reached parts of me that others couldn’t reach. He was able to hear my most shameful thoughts and experiences.”
“It feels like I’ve come full circle in all this, not that I’m ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’ or that I’ve no more work to do, I know that it never ends. But it does feel that something has been completed. And in a way I’m more complete, not fully complete but one of the ‘loops’ has been closed. And it feels really good.”
“I just want to express gratitude now, gratitude for my wounds, something I thought I’d never say. If I didn't have my wounds, I wouldn’t have the empathic capacity that I now possess; I wouldn’t have the intuition; I wouldn’t have the insights. And I wouldn’t have the courage that I have today because I had to dig deep. I needed courage to do that. So, it’s all paid off!”
Receiving the Case with Men
Men will typically only seek help when things are critical for them
Be aware of the courage it takes for them to reach out; that this crisis may be the beginning of his initiation into a true manhood
No rescuing or mothering: men are not a problem to be fixed
ACCEPTANCE is vital: men are used to being criticised and shamed
Be mindful of your own judgments and prejudices
Give him space, be patient, listen deeply, hear what he is not saying
Stay PRESENT and embodied; be willing to hear things that you do not want to hear; also things he doesn’t want you to hear
Have your patient stay connected to his body, his felt sense of what he’s experiencing, rather than the stories he’s telling; practice trusting these feelings
Less is more with men
Offer clear explanations: what you are doing; why you are doing it; what is the intention
Case 3: Brian* - 40 years
“I’m locked up. There is so much going on with me that I can’t access. I have been married for six years. My wife says she doesn't know me. That I won’t let her know me. The truth is, I don’t know me.”
“She is desperate to have a child. She has had all sorts of tests to find out why she hasn’t conceived, nothing has shown up. I have a feeling that it’s down to me; that somehow I’m blocking the process.”
“I am ‘successful’ in my corporate job, have reached management level and am well paid and respected in my job. My men friends are envious of my success. Why is it that I feel ineffectual and a failure?
“I’ve spent a fortune on therapy trying to understand what’s happening to me. The bullied child is strong in me. Every time I feel him my face reddens, I get palpitations and want to run and hide; hide myself in shame.
“I spend lots of time alone at night, searching online for porn. I spend hours masturbating but it always leaves me feeling empty, numb and ashamed of myself. I’m sure my wife suspects what I am up to; it is never spoken about.”
“When I finally get to bed, I lie there with palpitations, sweating, terrified that she might wake up and see what I’ve been up to; even more worried that she might want to have sex with me. More often or not I struggle with my erections. My wife is understanding but it just adds to my shame. When I do get to sleep, my dreams are full of anxiety, panic and a sense of impending danger. I wake up feeling exhausted, sickened at myself and full of shame.”
“I feel lonely, cut off from the world, cut off from my body, numb. I feel indifferent, apathetic, indecisive. Do I need permission? Is it OK? Am I OK? It feels like my life is one ball of fear and shame.”
Prescription: Nicotiana rustica in ascending LM potencies
When Brian returned for his follow-up appointment he said, with a smile, “I’m good! There has been a lot of movement with this medicine. I feel like I’ve lived my life in a swampy fog and it is starting to clear. I have even had moments of focus, even piercing clarity.”
“I feel the shame rising from my belly; usually this would have been sickening for me but I am more able to stay with it, to stay with myself. This usually would have been a trigger for me to go online but now I feel able to be with it and not numb the feelings. And it’s not so sickening!”
I gently asked about what he had described as his “porn addiction”. He told me that it had been going on since his teens. Sex with partners had never been satisfying. With his wife he was just “going through the motions” and had often “faked orgasms” just to finish quickly. “In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever had orgasms. Oh, sure I’ve had lots of ejaculations but I’ve always felt numb and had no pleasure with them. In fact, they always left me feeling drained and full of shame. What is wrong with me?”
We continued treatment with the invitation to use the daily dose of his remedy as an opportunity to drop into himself, to connect with the parts of himself that felt numbed.
“I’m starting to feel a clearing, like a shell cracking. Something is starting to emerge. I feel the energy is really shifting in me. The energy is expanding from my solar plexus into my brow and crown. I’m starting to have the beginnings of visions, memories of other times.”“My dreams have become very sexual; many of them lucid, ‘teaching’ dreams.”
“I feel that I am being guided by a higher power. I’m even hearing guiding voices, encouraging me to ‘keep going’, ‘be gentle with myself’.”
After three months of treatment Brian reported that he was “finding a new way of relating.” His relationship to his wife had become much more intimate. “I feel like I am making love to her for the first time. It is warm and tender and we can even talk to each other afterwards,” he said incredulously. Shyly he added: “it feels like my heart and penis have connected.”
“I can see now that my heart was never in my lovemaking. I didn’t know how to really commit myself to loving. No wonder we never got pregnant!”
As the months went on Brian became more confident and assertive in his life and work; he set clearer boundaries; communicated much clearer and honestly. Porn had become a thing of the past and his relationship was hugely improved. He felt that he was doing really well but still had the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. There was still a deep sense that there was something wrong with him.
He started getting “flashbacks” of his time at school. Memories began to surface in his dreams and meditations. When I asked him how old he was in the dreams, he answered without hesitation, “I’m thirteen.” He started shaking, began to cry as he “saw” his thirteen year old self in school. He retched and felt nauseous, feeling like he wanted to vomit. Then the memories started flooding back.
When he was thirteen his biology teacher showed a particular interest in him. She was “hot” and the object of lots of leering comments from his classmates. He felt flattered but also confused and conflicted. Her interest deepened and she regularly met him after class for “extra lessons”. The lessons became kissing and touching sessions and ultimately ended in her having sex with him.
He was “torn up” with feelings then: excited and proud to have finally had sex; and with such a “hot” woman. His friends guessed what was going on and teased him mercilessly. Yet, why did he feel ashamed, sickened by what happened between them?
The teacher left the school shortly afterwards and Brian never saw her again.
He buried the feelings he had and just got on with life as a teenager. But he always had the nagging feelings that “something wasn’t right, something wasn’t right with me.”
“That was rape, wasn’t it? Brian asked me. “Of course I wanted sex but she was my teacher. I must have wanted sex, I had an erection. But it was so wrong…” He broke down sobbing in my consulting room.
“No wonder I’ve had such conflicting feelings about sex”, he said, the words tumbling out of him now between the sobs. “Of course I’ve had to numb myself with porn.” “But how could she have done it?” “Why?”
At this point I gave Brian a dose of Nicotiana rustica 10M. He took a deep breath, let out a huge sigh and wave after wave of emotions coursed through his body.
The next months with Brian were very tender times. He worked through lots of anger towards his parents. “Why didn’t they protect me?” “Why didn’t they prepare me for this? Slowly he felt his “chest opening up.” He realised that he “had felt alone and unprotected all his life.” His thirteen year old self “needed an adult, I have to be that adult for him. There was nobody there for him. No wonder I’ve felt alone all my life.”
Brian and his wife still haven’t conceived a child but their relationship has transformed. There is a new closeness between them; a deepening intimacy. Their lovemaking is now for pleasure and joy, not just to conceive and they have embarked on a new adventure together, training to be Tantra Yoga instructors.
Sexual Healing for Men
Men need to learn that sex is a heart-and-mind thing, as well as a body thing
Porn sex and real lovemaking (with oneself or a partner) are completely different things; men need to learn the difference
Most men mistake ejaculation for orgasm; there is great freedom, pleasure and control when men train themselves to separate these
Intimacy and sex are not synonymous: far greater joy and depths of pleasure are possible as men learn to be more open emotionally
Men are in charge of their own desires; they need to channel and use these safely; learn to recognise and respect consent, their own and their partners
Men need to learn not to hurt themselves or their partners in pursuit of sexual pleasure
One in 6 boys is sexually abused. There are many myths about this such as:
Boys cannot be sexually abused. If he is, he is not a “real man”
Sexual abuse is less harmful to boys than girls
If a boy experienced sexual arousal during abuse, he wanted and/or enjoyed it
Boys abused by males must have attracted the abuse because they are gay or they become gay as a result
Most men who sexually abuse boys are gay
If a female used or abused a boy, he was “lucky,” and if he doesn’t feel that way there’s something wrong with him
Nicotiana rustica
In indigenous Amazonian usage Padre Tobacito (Little Father Tobacco).
Archetypal Masculine/Father remedy; helps heal the ‘father wound’
Major affinity for Solar Plexus Chakra: strengthens the will; helps dissolve shame
Quietens mental ‘chatter’; strengthens presence
Other worldly; space between the worlds; themes of birth/death; connection with Divine/life purpose; food of the soul
Increases mental clarity; brings heightened sense of awareness; lightness of being
Releases ancestral imprints, family wounds
Intense, vivid dreaming; lucid dreaming; dreams of past
Separation from the body; numbness; dullness of mind
Falling; sinking/out of body; soaring; trancelike
Sudden, extreme anxiety; sure he is dying
Deathly nausea; retching; with anxiety
Indifferent; despondent; extreme tiredness
Icy coldness; cold sweat; pallor
With thanks to homeopath Richard Pitt for his excellent proving:
Tobacco: An exploration of its nature through the prism of homeopathy
HEALING TOBACCO
Aztec tobacco (Nicotiana rustica), also known as strong tobacco, belongs to the genus Nicotiana of the nightshade family, as does the American or Virginia tobacco (Nicotiana tabacum) commonly used in homeopathy. In Europe it was known by the name Hyoscyamus peruvianus. A remedy proving of Aztec tobacco was published by Richard Pitt in 2006. Since Aztec tobacco contains far more nicotine and otheralkaloids than normal smoking tobacco, Pitt compared the two tobacco types with the wolf and the dog. Although homeopathically Nicotiana rustica has major similarities with the well-known remedy Tabacum, it has more of the dark side of the Solanaceae. The old term Hyoscyamus peruvianus highlights the hallucinogenic effect, which is used by shamans in South America to this day during their rituals. In many tribes the smoking of this consciousness-expanding type of tobacco is the preserve of shamans and initiates. The amounts inhaled in these rituals can cause life-threatening toxicity in the uninitiated.
Bibliography: Pitt, R.: Tobacco. An Exploration of its Nature through the Prism of Homeopathy, Lalibela Publ. 2006
Rätsch, C.: The Encyclopedia of Psychoactive Plants:, Park Street Press 2005
Copyright: Nicotiana rustica, also called Sacred Hopi, Turkish or Aztec tobacco / Shutterstock / Stephen Orsillo
Summary
Masculinity as we know it is constructed and defined socially, historically and politically, rather than being biologically driven. It is destroying and killing men and is extremely damaging for the women and children in their lives. We urgently need a new model, a model that embraces inner strength, wellbeing, power, and real purpose - the healthy, sacred qualities of masculinity.
Healing shame and embracing one's sacred masculinity is a personal and ongoing process that requires self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-compassion. This requires courage, patience and a lot of support, especially from other men. It also needs a lot of courage and presence from the homeopath, as well as a willingness for us all to examine and move beyond the current, narrow and often toxic social constructs of masculinity.
Men do not usually learn much through things going well. It's pain and suffering that are their best teachers. Sooner or later they will be confronted with grief, loss and shame. If properly supported these three ‘enemies’ can become men’s greatest allies in their initiations into becoming whole, healthy adults.
Men who go through this process will typically feel empowered and confident in their power. They will have a strong, clear and embodied presence; have the ability to create and hold safe space for others; be able to witness without judgement and able to meet and hold the sacred feminine energy.
Psychologist and bestselling author Steve Biddulph sums up this process very succinctly in the following steps:
Seven Steps to Manhood
“Fixing it” with your father: out of 100 men, only ten are close with their fathers; the ‘father wound’ is one of men’s greatest challenges
Finding sacredness in your sexuality: learn to ‘make love’ rather than to ‘have sex’; free themselves from the pornification of their sex lives
Meeting your partner on equal terms: commitment is a big thing; being loving and kind is important in relating to partners; so also is honouring your own needs.
Engaging actively with your children: a father often sets the mood for the family, for good and bad; boys need active care and example to become ‘good men’; girls need healthy examples of “good men”
Having real men friends: “friendships” with other men are often superficial and competitive; real male friendships provide safety, security and acceptance
Finding your heart in your work: for many men their work is a kind of slavery; help them find their real work and how to live from it
Freeing your wild spirit: having a sense of purpose and meaning is essential for men’s life
*All names have been changed to protect the patients’ privacy
Declan Hammond LCH, ISHom is a homeopath, transpersonal therapist, shamanic practitioner and a co-founder and former director of The Irish School of Homeopathy. His life and work has been a passionate search for the most effective healing tools for himself and his patients. This journey has taken him all over the globe studying Eastern and Western approaches to healing, tantra yoga and traditional shamanic medicine practices. Declan has developed a unique synthesis of these ancient and modern healing techniques and works with individuals and groups to empower deep personal growth, healing and spiritual development.