How to talk to children?

by Dr. Aditya Tiwari M.D. (Hom.)

Summary:

The article highlights the essentials of communication between parents and their children. With common examples, it gives simple but valuable guidelines on how parents should communicate with children so that they listen and how to listen so that they talk.  

Key words:

Communication, Verbal, Non-verbal, Children, Parents

The question may seem a little weird when asked by a parent. But I sincerely thank the parent who put this question to one of our therapists, as it started the ball rolling in the direction of parenting sessions. We now have planned once a month session with parents who are interested in learning better child care.

As therapists, we keep counseling the parents of the children that attend our clinics about the various things they need to do in order to manage their child well without much agitation and tension. The most important of these things is communication. We all know that communication can be verbal and non-verbal. Almost every time it is a combination of the two. Here are some very important points that any adult, especially a parent, should keep in mind.

Children learn by seeing and doing much more than by formal training. They do much more than what WE as adults/parents do by observing us than LISTENING to our commands or teachings. No matter how many times we tell them to do something in one way – they will only do it the way their parents/guardians do it because that is what they see. Parents or caretakers at home are the role models for the children. Children learn things by observing those around, much before they are taught. In order to ensure that they exactly do and learn what we want them to, we need to establish good communication with them. Here are a few tips:

Maintain eye contact with the child and go to the eye level of the child while talking to him/her.

When we ‘go down’ to the eye level of a child, we bring the child ‘up to’ our level. This shows that we respect the child and treat them with equal status. In this way children become more receptive to what we say and try to understand it rather than defy or react.

Replace YOU with WE / US.

It is very easy to shoot orders like YOU do this and YOU do that. This makes the adult or parent an authority and the child a subordinate. This, too is disrespectful in a way and children do not like it. A better alternative is that if we are going down to their level we might as well measure our words and make them feel that it is not only they who are to act in a certain manner, even the adults will be acting in the same manner.

E.g., if you need to tell the child to clear up the table we spontaneously say – 

“Can YOU please clear the table?”

Usually the child reacts in his/her mind

“Why should I only do this? Why can’t you (or the sibling) do this?”

This creates a gap between the parent and the child. A better option is to replace the YOU with WE or US.

“Come let US clear the table”. 

This puts the parent and the child both at the same level and here no one is the authority or the subordinate. The child happily listens as s/he feels respected. There is no command to defy or rebel from. This brings us to the third important point.

Mind the tone of your speech.

It is very interesting to note that most of the times people make meaning from a sentence by HOW it is conveyed rather than WHAT is conveyed. More than words the tone conveys the feelings of the speaker about the other person.

A derogatory, negative tone can completely put off any person and a child is no exception to this. In contrast to the common belief, one can be very firm in speech even while maintaining a low, respectful tone. This also sets an example for the child to learn that one can remain calm and respectful even while conveying displeasure or difference of opinion.

Respect children as you expect them to respect you or any other elders.

It is as important to maintain the respect of a child as much as maintaining your own respect. Treat them as you may treat your colleague, friend or even your parents. This will make them feel good about themselves and about you also. The best thing – they will imitate back and treat you with the same respect.

If they make any mistakes and you need to correct them – do not scold or shout at them, more so in front of others, and NEVER in front of their friends. Talk to them quietly and correct them. Do not laugh at them (make fun of them), especially when in a social situation – party or gathering in case they behave differently. You can always laugh together on various other things.

Request rather than Order. It helps if we request them rather than order them to do things – “Please do this for me” works better than “do this for me”. When we give respect, we automatically get it in return. Along with obedience we are teaching the child to understand the value of each individual (our maids, other domestic helpers and other people in the society), and treat them with respect.

Keep it short and simple. Make sure that your sentences or instructions are not too long. Children have a limited attention span and hence may lose attention in the middle of a long sentence. This is not because they ‘purposely’ do not want to listen to you, but because they can’t comprehend long and complex sentences. It always helps to use small and simple sentences. It will make them understand things better and they may become more obedient.

Listen to them even when they talk rudely. Our instant reaction is to shout back and punish them. This only creates a fight situation and increases the child’s distress. When the child behaves rudely s/he may have a reason. Maybe they are disturbed by something. It is important to understand their reason in order to correct their faulty behavior. If we react to this by shouting, they too learn to shout back when we are scolding them (remember we said – children learn by seeing and imitation). When we receive a complaint regarding our child, most of the time our first reaction is that we think our child must have done something and ask him/her – “why did the teacher punish you? / why did they trouble you? / etc.” followed by “WHAT DID YOU DO?” This implies we are assuming that our child started the entire problem and puts the child to wonder - “why is it my fault always?”

It is important to give them a chance to clarify. After listening to them with patience, explain to them quietly the right thing. This is more likely to remain with them and prevent such behavior in the future. The child will automatically learn to think before reacting aggressively.

Explain Cause-Effect / Action-Consequence phenomenon. Children do not innately know that things happening to them are due to some causes and that the things they do have consequences. This needs to be explained to them according to their level of understanding. How people respond to you is a consequence of your actions, of how you behave with them. Similarly, when you act in a particular manner there is a definite effect or consequence that will come to you depending on the situation.

We often handle children using this to make them do what we want. 

“If you listen to me then you get to watch the cartoon”; “if you finish your milk then I shall get chocolate for you.”

This puts some kind of an option for the child to choose to do things according to us and get what he wants or not do it and not get the reward. If the child is an obstinate one then he will do the exact opposite of what you want him to as a protest. We tend to then give in to him or then get angry and shout or even lose our temper and hit. The child thus learns to bargain and then uses the same trick against parents to get what he wants. And more often than not he gets it done his way.

“If you promise to get the new (toy) car for me then only I will finish my homework.”

A better situation is created when we use the word ‘when’ in place of ‘if’.

“When you finish your milk then I shall get the chocolate for you, when you finish your homework, then we shall go to the playground.”

In this manner it is almost certain that the work has to be done and there is no option given. Also the same certainty implies to the reward that the child will get once the task is completed. There is no ‘if’ and ‘then’, it is definite.

Good girl / bad boy

Generally we use the action-consequence method while making deals with children – 

“If you drink milk then you are a good boy”; “if you don’t eat properly then you are a bad girl”. 

Knowingly or unknowingly, we do this all the time. Though it is a way of telling children that they are expected to learn some good things and not bad things it creates a doubt in their mind. 

“Will mama not love me if I do not drink milk? Will I be loved more than my brother if I listen to papa?”

This creates significant confusion in children’s mind about the conditionality of love. They feel that if they need to be good in the eyes of the parents then they need to behave in a certain manner. But, a parent’s love is not conditional – is it? As parents we love our children for who they are and that is what needs to be conveyed to them. What needs to be pointed out is that their actions (behavior, speech) are good or bad, not they as individuals. And no matter what they do as parents we always love them and that does not mean they will not be punished. They can be punished if they choose to behave in an unacceptable manner.

A gentle touch says much more than many words. Especially for younger children, till about 6 to 7 yrs it is always better to give a hug or pat the back or just take them close when they have something to say. It may ease out a lot of tension in them and allow more meaningful conversation rather than complaining or tantrum.

Be careful about the timing with older children. It may be wise not to react or comment on things that you want to point out immediately as it happens, as it may generate reaction from the child. It is better to find a better peaceful time to discuss the issue. Older children should be approached more like we approach adults – with respect. Give them the time to explain their side of the story.

Do things yourself that you want them to learn. Children learn by observing and imitating. They quickly pick up what they observe and not what they are told to. So, in order to communicate with them, we need to do what we expect them to do. Otherwise they learn that it is ok to say one thing and do the other.

Enjoy and explore with them. Parents in the modern world have somehow been so overwhelmed with academic and other social pressures and competitions that they have forgotten what a wonderful period childhood is. This is the time that will never come again for themselves as well as the child. It is more important for the development of the child’s emotional and moral character, rather than the academic skills which can be learnt later. Unconditional love, mutual respect, good sense of self, ability to have patience and be respectful with others, etc., are the building blocks of a personality which are much more than mere educational qualification. Few parents would be happy if their child grows up to be a learned man with no respect for themselves or others.

All the above points are very easy to write and talk about but may be difficult to implement as it requires patience and calmness of mind on the parent’s side. It is common to slip back to our old patterns of communication at times when we are stressed ourselves. Every time we slip back we negate all that we had gained with our efforts. Also the child learns that these things are only to be told and not practiced. 

Hence, we recommend that all parents undertake some or the other activity which helps them achieve patience and calmness for themselves. It can be seen this way – children have given us an opportunity to make some corrections within us and lead a peaceful and happy life. I guess this is what made the statement – A Child Gives Birth To A Mother. We can surely extend this to fathers as well.

About the Author

Dr. Aditya Tiwari, MD (Hom) Psychiatry, Homoeopathic Psychiatrist, Counselor and Arts Based Therapist, Angels Clinic, Mumbai Facilitator and Trainer, Playnasium the play workshops, Mumbai.

Honorary Consultant Shree Mumbadevi Homeopathic Hospital, Irla, Mumbai.

Guest Professor, Dept. Of Organon, Smt. CMP Homeopathic Medical College, Irla, Mumbai

Dr. Aditya Tiwari, has been practicing in the field Mental Health for the past 10 years. He strongly believes in integrating holistic therapies for the treatment of Psychiatric and Neuro-developmental disorders. Through the medium of play and arts based methods he and his team build essential 'Life Skills' in order to empower community to deal with stresses of daily life and prevent break down in to mental disturbances. Hence offering interventions for both the ends of mental health spectrum.